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 Sergiy Monomyth(Wiki)

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Sergiy Monomyth



Posts : 8
Points : 465010
Join date : 2012-07-31

PostSubject: Sergiy Monomyth(Wiki)   Tue Jul 31, 2012 2:41 pm

~The Basics~

First Name: Sergiy Monomyth
Last Name: Aburame
Age: 10
Rank: Genin
Village: Sand

~The Blood Work~

Gender: Male
Blood Type: A?
Clan: Aburame
Kekkei Genkai: None

~The Physics~

Appearance:
Spoiler:
 
Attitude: Cocky

~The Armada~

Primary Weapon: Gourd
Support Weapon: Kunai
Support Weapon: Shuriken
Support Weapon: Smoke Bombs

~Skill Information~

Skill Specialty:

  • Main: Ninjutsu
  • Sub: Taijutsu

Elemental Affinity:

  • Main: Lightning
  • Main:
  • Sub: Earth
  • Sub: Sand Manipulation(Sand)

Special Characteristics:

Flaws/Weaknesses:

~Jutsu~

E: 5
D: 1
C: 7
B:
A:
S:
Unknown: 2
_____________

Spoiler:
 


~The Story~

Family: Wealthy Family
History:
Spoiler:
 
Extra Information:

~The Finals~

Alias: Sergiy
Best Way to Contact: Pm
RP Sample:
Spoiler:
 
Rules Password: Correct


Last edited by Sergiy Monomyth on Thu Aug 02, 2012 10:25 am; edited 3 times in total
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Klown
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Posts : 32
Points : 466240
Join date : 2012-07-25

Shinobi Information
Rank: Kazekage
Health:
800/800  (800/800)
Chakra:
1000/1000  (1000/1000)

PostSubject: Re: Sergiy Monomyth(Wiki)   Wed Aug 01, 2012 10:45 am

Dislikes - Inappropriate, PG13 site please change them or remove them.

More than one word on attitude please and more then 3 on the clothing, describe it.

You need a flaw, it's there for a reason.

More than half a line on Sand manipulation, this of writing it as a kekkei genkai it's a strong ability and deserves a paragraph at the least.

Fix your history, the grammar isn't great and you have some typing errors in there, please fix them. Also, i expect more than a two paragraph history from the jinchuuriki especially when you put up a 1.5k role play sample, if your hitting 1500 words getting 6 paras for a 10 year span is easy.

Having a 10,000lbs gourd is preposterous, there is no way your carrying that gourd, change the weight or remove any mention of the weight completely, however in rp it better slow you down and i would prefer a longer appearance as well, again two paragraphs isn't hard, add some adjectives.

Finally, read the rules again in this current section of the forum its in character application rules it's not hard to find the password.
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Sergiy Monomyth



Posts : 8
Points : 465010
Join date : 2012-07-31

PostSubject: Re: Sergiy Monomyth(Wiki)   Wed Aug 01, 2012 10:51 am

The Dislikes are fine, There's nothing wrong with my Character being a Homophob. And Lower the Weight, However the History for a Genin is 2 nothing more noth less. I have two pargrgaps already. I believe it';s my choice to add more pargragaps if I want for my Genin. Sand Maniputlation is not a Kekkei genkai, I have a Demon inside me, Which explains How I have Sand Mani. If you have not noticed, English is not my first tongue. He does not have any flaws because he doesn't have any SC.
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Klown
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Posts : 32
Points : 466240
Join date : 2012-07-25

Shinobi Information
Rank: Kazekage
Health:
800/800  (800/800)
Chakra:
1000/1000  (1000/1000)

PostSubject: Re: Sergiy Monomyth(Wiki)   Wed Aug 01, 2012 6:29 pm

Dislike, seriously. That's the most wrong with your app. It's a PG13 site, besides whether he's homophobic or not, it doesn't matter. I know it is different, well done for that but by the rules of the site I cannot allow it. Besides, some people might find it offensive.

The weight of the gourd if mentioned is no more than 150lbs, even then I doubt a genin could lift that at 10 years of age.

More than 1 one word for attitude and 3 words for clothing.

Know this, Sand manipulation is from Shukaku, however half a line for a jutsu is unacceptable. You haven't said what you can do with the sand manipulation. Again, re-write it so it is longer, whilst writing the jutsu description think of it as writing a kekkei genkai, I want it a paragraph at the least.

It doesn't matter if English is not your first tongue, please fix the history. Also, we do not have a set history length minimum for characters and ranks, please make your history 4 paragraphs long, and maybe on other sites it is two, but here it is not.

Finally, it doesn't matter if he doesn't have any special characteristics, he will still have flaws. Nobody's perfect.
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Daisuke
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Join date : 2012-06-06

PostSubject: Re: Sergiy Monomyth(Wiki)   Wed Aug 01, 2012 8:07 pm

This application has been found unacceptable. Please revise, otherwise it will be taken down.
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